Don’t Try to Fix the Other Parent!
As a divorced parent, it isn’t your role to somehow cure the other parent of their passive-aggressive behaviors. The reasons for passive aggressiveness can be complicated and deeply ingrained in the other parent’s personality. More than likely, the problem parent will perceive any attempt you make to “help” them as an attack on them which will lead to more conflict and your frustration. Whether they change on their own or seek professional help is entirely up to them and out of your hands. Don’t focus on changing them; focus on how to respond to their behaviors.
What Are the Best Ways to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Parent?
Before I explain the best ways to deal with a passive aggressive parent, let me give you a scenario for the type of passive-aggressive behavior many divorced parents deal with on a regular basis. Let’s say that two parents share custody and that the family court has ordered them to communicate with each other concerning their child. Their child must regularly take medication that goes back and forth with the child between homes. One morning, the father drives the child to school and later discovers later that the child left the medication at the father’s house. The father then texts the mother that he can meet the mother half-way between homes after work to deliver the medication. The mother, however, doesn’t reply. A few hours later, the father sends a repeat text that he can meet to deliver the medication. Again, the mother doesn’t reply that day or even that night. By the next morning, the mother continues to ignore the father’s texts from the day before. At this point, the father is concerned that the child is now off the medication schedule and he becomes frustrated with the mother for ignoring his texts. Sound familiar? What should the father (or any parent for that matter) do in this scenario?
1. Understand that this is hostile behavior – As the saying goes, the beginning of wisdom is to call a thing by its proper name. Simply stated, this is hostility. By ignoring the father’s texts, the mother is intentionally baiting the father to engage in conflict. In this scenario, conflict is exactly what the mother wants and the father needs to avoid. If the father responds with hostility, the mother feels vindicated and may later use the father’s response against him in family court to demonstrate that the father is a hostile person and a bad co-parent. Don’t reward the passive-aggressive parent by acting out.
2. Set and keep limits – Unfortunately, tolerating passive aggression usually encourages the negative behavior to continue and to intensify. Therefore, you must set and keep limits in response to the passive-aggressive’s behaviors. Oftentimes, the “limits” I’m referring to are set out in family court orders such as parenting schedules, informing each parent of medical treatment, or required communication between parents. In the scenario I described above, the father should remind the mother of her court-ordered obligation of both parents to timely respond to each other’s communications about the child. Additionally, if the problem continues, the father should inform that mother that although he wishes to avoid conflict, he will turn the situation over to his lawyer if the mother continues to ignore him. If the problem persists, the father should follow through to keep those limits in place by contacting his lawyer. Sometimes, a letter from your lawyer to the problem parent may be enough to avoid returning to court.
3. Be Assertive but not combative – Being assertive doesn’t mean being disrespectful or hostile. Remember that this is a power-struggle that you will lose if you lose your cool. After all, the end-game for the passive-aggressive parent is for you to blow your stack first. Don’t go on a personal attack against the problem parent and don’t pour over the history of the problems you’ve had with them. Be clear and business-like in your communications and stick to the issue at hand.
4. Avoid Tit-for-Tat – It is only natural that you may feel the urge to “strike back.” However, striking back only escalates the other parent’s passive-aggressive behaviors and fuels their frequent claims that they are a “victim” of your aggression. Be prepared for the passive-aggressive parent to try to suck you into more conflict. Take for example the scenario I described above. Let’s say that after being ignored, the father reminds the mother of her obligation to communicate and proposes one final time to meet the mother to deliver the child’s medicine. The mother finally texts back to the father “”I knew it would be a problem and you would not bring the medicine so I made other arrangements.” By her response, the mother is trying to portray herself (and the child) as a “victim” of the father, to insinuate that the father is “bad,” and to bait the father into an argument. Understandably, the father may be frustrated and angered by the mother’s poor behavior and feel the need to attack. Here, the father could respond by indicating that if the mother will communicate in the future, then he will work with her to solve the problem. Otherwise, the father could choose to let the conversation, and the potential for conflict, end there without a response. Either way, the father should let the issue go at that point because the true concern (does the child have medicine) has been resolved.
Final Thoughts on Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Parent
Even if you follow the four ways I’ve suggested to deal with a passive-aggressive behavior, the bottom line is that it is never easy. For many parents, it is a constant, ongoing, and exhausting process. Oftentimes, once you’ve learned to deal with a set of passive-aggressive behaviors, some problem parents will find newer, more vindictive ways to behave. No matter what happens, it is important that you don’t let the passive-aggressive parent control you by turning you into a person or parent that you don’t want to be. In the end, the only way to avoid losing is not to play the game.